I've been neglecting Xanga a little bit as of late. Things have been a little better lately, boring but drama free and relaxing for the most part.

Josh & I are still doing well . I adore him so much. He's amazing. Yeah, I don't think he realizes a pregnant woman's needs but he's trying, so I'm trying; to be understanding and not push him too much. I mean, I really can't complain since he's got the cuddling thing down pretty well now !

I don't know if this sounds crazy or not but I almost feel as though we're married. We've lived together for the duration of our relationship together so it's almost weird to not be living together. Not that I'm saying I want to get married, to him or to anyone else, because I'm way too young to be married, but I'm OK with the way things are. And he seems to be, too, so that's cool.

He's definitely really looking forward to living together when we can afford to move out. He's so cute. I think we're going to have some disagreements on decor, but those things can be figured out. It makes my stomach turn about (in a good way, of course) when he brings it up. I just feel like we're so natural together. And I'm beginning to realize that I can trust him and that his feelings for me are just as intense as mine for him.



Our local news program had a commercial air about Bi-polar Depression and I gave that I look. Depression Article I'm not looking into taking that medication it recommends because I'm pregnant and right now I would just rather not take any medications if I don't have to in case it could harm the baby, but I've really been thinking about going to a therapist or a counselor or even just grabbing some books from the library or looking up websites to help me out. I've never been diagnosed but I don't believe that I have a severe case.

There are moments where I'm super happy, hyper and ready to basically conquer the world, and no one will stand in my way. But someone says something, or something happens and with the flip of a switch I'm being sucked into that dark world, full of self-loathing, lack of confidence and will power and sometimes it turns into anger because I don't know what else to do besides lash out when something or someone's irritating me. I can't just talk about the things going that are bothering me at the moment. I let them stew and build and bring me down. Until I go to bed and hope that I wake up in a good mood and hope that something doesn't flip that switch on that new day.

But the website gave three main points that a counselor or therapist can help someone with Bipolar (Depression), which is why I think I could just get some books or look up informative, accurate websites:
» Early detection of and treatment for mood episodes
» Managing activity, stress level & social functioning
» Training in problem solving skills

I don't know if this sounds weak or stupid, but those are all things that I really think could help me to take control of my bouts of depression. I've been looking at quotes from Facebook bumper stickers to lines in books that I read of optimism and encouragement to keep my head above water; give myself a little kick in the butt to realize that just because things are hard and overwhelming I just need to persevere and keep looking at the good things that could come out of it.

Those good things aren't always huge or "life changing", but they're confidence builders that life's not so dark anymore. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but I think it'll help.

I don't remember ever being in a bout of depression for so long and it scares me, I feel like I'll never come back out. I mean, I'm pregnant. It's here, there's nothing I can do except for 'grab the bull by the horns' and do what I can to make the situation better. It's just hard to keep that mentality.

Now I'm repeating myself.



I've really been reading a lot of peoples blogs on Xanga lately and not writing just because I feel like my blogs aren't as interesting but I forgot how much it helps to write down my thoughts. I hate writing in a journal because I can basically type as fast as I'm thinking but I can't write that fast. Plus this is much easier on the wrist/fingers/hand. It's an even distribution... on BOTH hands

/pointless blog
♥

Why is it that when I'm trying my best to get everything straight, and use the knowledge that I have to do so, it back fires on me because my Xroommate is a FUCKING CUNT?!?!

It's good to know that she wasn't paying rent, like she told me that she would. It's wonderful to know that I can't get off the lease with that cunt even though she attacked me and caused me to go to the ER to make sure my baby was OK, all because papers were filed for her lack of paying rent WHICH I DIDN'T FUCKIN KNOW ABOUT!



/Vent.



This blizzard is getting to be absolutely insane. It hasn't stopped snowing since like 3AM. About an inch/hour. Holy crap.

Josh got a job with my dad. $9.75/hour. Fifty cents better than expected, which is cool. I'm proud of him, he really has changed and stepped up. I'm starting to adore him more than I can handle. It's a little scary, but I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and see where our feelings take us.

No marriage anytime soon, tho! I don't think that's the solution when a baby is involved.



Some commercials really shouldn't be allowed to air on TV. Ie: the Beggin' Bacon strips with that annoying dog running around shouting "Bacon!!" repeatedly.



*YAWN*. I need to think about registering for the baby shower everyone wants to throw me. But that doesn't need to happen for a long time now. Definitely not until after Christmas.

I need to do a lot of things; get down to DHS for foodstamps, WIC, cash assistance, and Medicade. Then to the health department to get a prescription for Josh cause he doesn't have insurance to go to the doctors, change my address so my psycho xroommate doesn't keep any of my mail or use any credit card offers that are sent there. (Wouldn't put it past her).



Soap Opera's are so irritating. I love them, though. I'd rather watch fictional drama than deal with my own for an hour a day.



Yesterday my mom called from work about 40 minutes early because she thought the roads were going to be bad. But they were NOTHING like today or the one before yesterday. She sounded sad because I was upset and wasn't saying a whole lot but it sounded like she wanted to talk.

Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, I feel like a terrible daughter. I'm not nice to my mom a lot of the time because I find her overbearing and irritating. But she cares, so much, and I can't just APPRECIATE that. I want to, I really do, but I don't know where to start.


It really just makes me laugh at myself, my emotions, because I was never EVER this emotional before I got pregnant. I really hope that it doesn't continue afterward. Not saying that I didn't have a heart, just saying I never had such an intense waterworks.


I've really been thinking about going to church or doing some meditating or SOMETHING to figure out ME. To figure out a way to control my irritability and appreciate the things and people that I have and the worries and care they have for me. Sometimes I can take deep breath's and handle it, other times I just flip a lid and jump over the edge.



*Sigh...

I really do need to take that nap. And get some grub.